Each of the two spouses must accompany their partner in life with fairness and kindness. 1300 Each
وَعَلىٰ كُلِّ وَاحِدٍ مِنَ الزَّوْجَيْنِ مَعَاشَرَةُ صَاحِبِهِ بِالْمَعْرُوْفِ
The Book of Sadaq
Proper Treatment of Women
عِشْرَةِ النِّسَاءِ
The Book of Purification
The Book of Prayer
Importance of Prayer & Ruling of its Abandonment
Facing the Qiblah & Intention in the Prayer
Etiquettes of Walking to Prayer and its Description
Description of Prayer Continued
Description of Prayer Continued
Description of Prayer Continued
Pillars and Mandatory Acts of Prayer
Two Prostrations of Forgetfulness
Supererogatory (Voluntary) Prayers
Supererogatory (Voluntary) Prayers Continued
Times of Prohibition of (Supererogatory) Prayer
Congregational Prayers & Latecomers
Jumu'ah (Congregational Friday) Prayer
The Book of Funerals
The Book of Fasting
The Book of Hajj and 'Umrah
Book of Zakat
The Book of Selling and Commercial Transactions
Introduction & Commercial and Selling
Selling of Primary & Secondary Commodities
Cancellation Options in Transactions
Cancellation Options Continued
Debt Transference & Guarantor-ship
Mortgaging & Security Deposits
Partnership & Companies Continued
Reviving Barren Lands & Per-Job Wage
Lost and Found Property & Foundlings
Prize Money & Deposits for Safekeeping
The Book of Bequests
The Book of Inheritance
The Book of Marriage
The Book of Divorce
The Book of Sadaq
The Book of Dhihar
The Book of Lian
The Book of Foods
Book of Fatal and Non-Fatal Assault
The Book of Indemnities
The Book of Hudood
The Book of Jihad
The Book of the Judiciary
The Book of Testimonies
Appendix
Glossary
The [Proper] Treatment of Women
1300. Introduction
Imam Ibn Qudâmah starts this chapter with a beautiful and fair introduction, recognizing the nature of this relationship as a companionship, and addressing both parties simultaneously.
Since this is a book of fiqh, not of manners, this chapter emphasizes the material rights of both parties, which may at some point require judicial intervention. Keep in mind, however, that the rights of the spouses due from each other are not limited to material ones or to those discussed here. There are specialized books that address them in more detail.
Allah said:
{…And live with them [your spouses] in kindness [bil-ma‘roof]. For if you dislike them – perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.} (an-Nisâ’ 4: 19)
{ وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ فَإِنْ كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَى أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئاً وَيَجْعَلَ اللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيْراً كَثِيراً}
The word “ma‘roof”, translated above as kindness, is also translated as common sense, beneficence, reason, or good. It encompasses all of those, but it also literally means that which is known to be good. The beauty of that expression is that it respects different expectations based on cultural norms (as long as they are not against the spirit or letter of the Sharia).
The foundational principle in this chapter is contained in the saying of Allah:
{…And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them [in responsibility and authority]…} (al-Baqarah 2: 228)
{وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ الَّذِي عَلَيْهِنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ وَلِلرِّجَالِ عَلَيْهِنَّ دَرَجَةٌ}
There is an emphasis here on the equitable division of rights and obligations between the two spouses in a way that respects their differences.
Aside from differences stated in the revelation, the default is that the rights and obligations of the husband and wife are similar, and that is how the Companions would understand a verse like this. For example, Ibn ‘Abbâs said:
one of them must fulfill the rights of the other without procrastinating or showing resentment.
وأداء حَقِّهِ الواجِبِ إليهِ مِنْ غَيْرِ مَطْلٍ وَلاَ إِظْهَارِ اْلكَرَاهَةِ لِبَذْلِهِ.
It is his right for her to let him enjoy lovemaking with her whenever he wishes and to obey him in this regard, unless she has an excuse. 1301
وَحَقُّهُ عَلَيْهَا تَسْلِيْمُ نَفْسِهَا إِلَيْهِ، وَطَاعَتُهُ فِيْ اْلاِسْتِمْتَاعِ مَتَى أَرَادَهُ، مَا لَمْ يَكُنْ لَهَا عُذْرٌ.
I like to beautify myself for my wife, just as I would like her to beautify herself for me, because Allah said, “And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable.” (Tafseer aṭ-Ṭabari)
"إنِّي أُحِبُّ أَنْ أَتَزَيَّنَ لِلْمَرْأَةِ, كَمَا أُحِبُّ أَنْ تَتَزَيَّنَ لِي الْمَرْأَةُ؛ لأَنَّ اللَّهَ تَعَالَى يَقُولُ: (وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ الَّذِي عَلَيْهِنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ)"
The degree that is for men over their wives is the position of the qiwâmah. This is a position of responsibility, along with the corresponding authority, that must be extended to those burdened with responsibility. To put it simply, if the man is responsible for the safety and financial security of his family, then he should be allowed, after due consultation, to make the decisions that may affect them.
1301. Right of Conjugal Relations
It is a fact of life that if a wife denies her husband the right to intimacy, their relationship will become extremely strained and their marriage will be at risk of total demise. It is also common that men of weak religious commitment may be pushed into infidelity when they are denied their needs by their legitimate spouses. Unfortunately, our perception of the clear facts of life sometimes becomes muddled by personal and social biases. Therefore, it is important for the legislation of the All-Knowing to not only point them out, but also to shake us forcefully to fully realize their importance. Due to the seriousness of this matter, the Messenger of Allah (SA) used the following forceful words to warn women (for the sake of themselves and the society) against such reckless conduct:
“If a husband calls his wife to his bed (that is, to have intimacy) but she refuses, and then he goes to sleep angry with her, the angels will curse her until the morning.” (Ag – from Abu Hurayrah(
إِذَا دَعَا الرَّجُلُ امْرَأَتَهُ إِلَى فِرَاشِهِ فَأَبَتْ فَبَاتَ غَضْبَانَ عَلَيْهَا لَعَنَتْهَا الْمَلَائِكَةُ حَتَّى تُصْبِحَ
Note that this hadith, like all other reports, must not be taken out of the context provided by other verses and hadiths or by the practical example of the first generation. Of this important context is the principle of “no harm,” laid down by the Prophet (SA) and made into a legal maxim. Thus, if the woman is too exhausted, sick, or even psychologically incapable, then she may refuse sex. Her husband should be considerate, and Allah, her Creator, is All-Knowing of the legitimacy of her excuse or lack thereof.
Although this hadith was only addressed to women, it should be known that men also are not allowed to completely abandon their women and deprive them of their sexual needs, and they would also be sinners if they did so while they were capable of fulfilling their wives’ needs. It is known, however, that men may not always be able to have intercourse.
However, many people base their arguments upon the notion that there is no difference between men and women – but nothing could be farther from the truth. While men and women are held equal before their Lord, there are undeniable anatomical, biological, psychological and other differences between them. Men typically seek marital intimacy more often than their wives do, and that is expected because of their higher sex drive (something that is conventionally established and supported by some modern studies). That is why the need was greater to remind women of their husband’s right in this regard. Additionally, men may have less patience when deprived of their marital right to intimacy, and those of weak religious commitment may seek to fulfill their needs in illegitimate ways. This would bring about harm to the wife, the family, and the society at large, in addition to the man himself. So although the hadith may seem like it is concerned with the interest of men alone, in fact, it is not.
Obeying the Husband
Imam Ibn Qudâmah mentioned one example of obedience, but no Muslim scholar has ever denied that the wife must obey her husband in other regards, within reason. This obedience, however, is not an unqualified right of the husband; it is restricted by certain conditions. For his command to be deserving of obedience, it should be permissible, sensible, and purposeful. The Messenger of Allah (SA) said:
“There is no obedience to anyone at the expense of disobeying Allah. Obedience is only within reason (fil-ma‘roof).” (Ag – from ‘Ali)
لَا طَاعَةَ فِي مَعْصِيَةِ اللَّهِ؛ إِنَّمَا الطَّاعَةُ فِي الْمَعْرُوفِ.
While explaining the obedience due to parents, Imam Ibn Taymiyah said:
“This is applicable when they (the parents) request something that benefits them and does not harm him or her (the child).” (al-Ba‘li, al-Akhbâr al-‘Ilmiyah min al-Ikhtiyârât al-Fiqhiyah)
"وهذا فيما فيه منفعة لهما ولا ضرر"
Imam Ibn Ḥajar al-Haytami said in al-Fatâwâ al-Fiqhiyah al-Kubrâ:
“According to this, it is to be known that the child may not have to obey the parent in following his madh-hab, because when this is devoid of a good reason, it is merely foolishness.”
"وبهذا يعلم أنه لا يلزم الولد امتثال أمر والده بالتزام مذهبه لأن ذاك حيث لا غرض فيه صحيح مجرد حمق."
The Shâfi‘i Imam Taqi ud-Deen as-Subki quoted the following from the Mâliki Imam aṭ-Ṭarṭoosi:
“If they (the parents) prevent him from some of the routine sunnah (recommended) prayers on a random basis, he should obey them. However, if they ask him to miss them all the time, there shall be no obedience due to them because that compromises the Sharia.”
"إذا نهياه عن سنة راتبة المرة بعد المرة أطاعهما وإن كان ذلك على الدوام فلا طاعة لهما فيه لما فيه من إماتة الشرع."
We conclude from the above, and from the principles of Sharia, that the demand should be purposeful and sensible and should not cause the wife harm. Remember that the word “ma‘roof” mentioned in the hadith of the Prophet (SA) above not only means permissible but also means sensible and purposeful. For example, it may be permissible for the wife to stand up for an hour facing a wall, but such a demand would not be sensible or purposeful. Finally, the common sense mentioned here is not what the wife deems sensible, but what most reasonable people agree on as sensible. Otherwise, the concept of obedience would be meaningless.
Serving the Husband
It is noticeable here that the rights of the husband, mentioned by Imam Ibn Qudâmah in the matn, do not include being served by his wife. This is because the position of the majority of earlier scholars, including the weightier position in the madh-habs (A) + (+H, +M, +S, +Z), is that the contract of marriage does not require the wife to serve her husband. Many other scholars, such as Ibn Abi Shaybah, Abu Thawr, al-Joozajâni, Ibn Ḥabeeb al-Mâliki, Ibn al-‘Arabi, Ibn Taymiyah, and other Ḥanafi, Mâliki, and Ḥanbali scholars maintained that the wife is required to serve her husband. Ibn Ḥabeeb said in al-Wadiḥah that the Prophet (SA) divided the work between ‘Ali and Fâṭimah, with the outdoor work for him and the indoor work for her. They argued that the Prophet’s wives and the female Companions used to serve their husbands, and they cited the norms and customs of people among their rational proofs. Additionally, they argued that it would be unfair to demand that the man work outside to earn their sustenance and then return home to finish the housework while his wife watches.
The reason I am addressing this matter in some detail is to highlight the controversy and to point out that the strongest proof for requiring the wife to serve her husband is reason and sensibility; once again, “al-ma‘roof” is the foundational principle of this chapter. Having said that, it would be unreasonable to ask the wife to share with her husband the burden of supporting the family financially and then to request her to shoulder all of the housework by herself, in addition to her unavoidable duties if she is a mother. It is also unfair to extend the right of being served, which is already controversial, to the rest of the husband’s family, including his siblings. And although it is highly recommended for the wife to treat her parents-in-law well and to serve them as much as she can, as a form of birr (kindness) to elderly Muslims and iḥsân (excellence) to her husband, this should not be expected of her, especially when it constitutes an undue burden. Finally, it is unacceptable for the husband to be unappreciative of his wife’s benevolence, blaming her for the slightest deficiency.
[The Rights of the Wife]
Once she does that, she is entitled to the sustenance, clothing, and shelter customarily sufficient for someone like her. 1302 If he withholds some or all of these rights from her, and she is able to take from his money an amount that is fair and sufficient for her and her children, she may do so. This is because of the report mentioning that when Hind said to the Prophet (SA), “Abu Sufyân is a stingy man, and he doesn’t give me what is sufficient for my children and me,” he said, “Take what is reasonably sufficient for you and your children.” 1303
وَإِذَا فَعَلَتْ ذٰلِكَ، فَلَهَا عَلَيْهِ قَدْرُ كِفَايَتِهَا مِنَ النَّفَقَةِ، وَاْلكِسْوَةِ وَاْلمَسْكَنِ، بِمَا جَرَتْ بِهِ عَادَةُ أَمْثَالِهَا. فَإِنْ مَنَعَهَا ذٰلِكَ أَوْ بَعْضَهُ، وَقَدَرَتْ لَهُ عَلىٰ مَالٍ، أَخَذَ مِنْهُ قَدْرَ كِفَايَتِهَا وَوَلَدِهَا بِالْمَعْرُوْفِ، لِمَا رُوِيَ أَنَّ النَّبِيَّ قَالَ لِهِنْدٍ حِيْنَ قَالَتْ لَهُ: إِنَّ أَبَا سُفْيَانَ رَجُلٌ شَحِيْحٌ وَلَيْسَ يُعْطِيْنِيْ مِنَ النَّفَقَةِ مَا يَكْفِيْنِيْ وَوَلَدِيْ، فَقَالَ: "خُذِيْ مَا يَكْفِيْكِ وَوَلَدَكِ
1302. The Right to Maintenance
The Prophet (SA) said:
“… And their right over you is that you should provide for them and clothe them on a reasonable basis (bil-ma‘roof).” (M – from Jâbir)
... وَلَهُنَّ عَلَيْكُمْ رِزْقُهُنَّ وَكِسْوَتُهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ.
Notice the frequent references to the customary norms: “bil-ma‘roof” (on a reasonable basis). The maintenance is not fixed because people’s circumstances vary. If the spouses seek their input, arbitrators and judges should consider the solvency or insolvency of the husband and the socioeconomic status of his wife. (A) Concerning the wife’s needs and status, refer to the hadith of Hind in this section. Concerning the husband’s solvency, Allah said:
{Let a man of wealth spend from his wealth, and he whose provision is restricted – let him spend from what Allah has given him. Allah does not charge a soul except [according to] what He has given it…} (aṭ-Ṭalâq 65: 7)
لِيُنفِقْ ذُو سَعَةٍ مِّن سَعَتِهِ وَمَن قُدِرَ عَلَيْهِ رِزْقُهُ فَلْيُنفِقْ مِمَّا آتَاهُ اللَّهُ لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا مَا آتَاهَا} {
1303. (Ag)
(A): The wife may take from her husband without his permission and without a court order. Imam an-Nawawi in Sharḥ Ṣaḥeeḥ Muslim mentioned two positions within the Shâfi‘i madh-hab, based on their disagreement over the context of this
بِالْمَعْرُوْفِ."
If she cannot take from his money because of his insolvency, or if he prevents her, and then she chooses to separate from him, the judge must separate them, whether he is an adult or a minor. If she is too young for him to have intimacy with her, she was not given to him, she did not obey him concerning his rights, or she travelled without his permission – or even with his permission but for her own interests, 1304 then he is not obliged to provide for her.
وَإِنْ لَمْ تَقْدِرْ عَلىٰ اْلأَخْذِ لِعُسْرَتِهِ، أَوْ مَنَعَهَا، فاَخْتَارَتْ فِرَاقَهُ، فَرَّقَ اْلحَاكِمُ بَيْنَهُمَا، سَوَاءٌ كَانَ الزَّوْجُ كَبِيْرًا أَوْ صَغِيْرًا. وَإِنْ كَانَتْ صَغِيْرَةً لاَ يُمْكِنُ اْلاِسْتِمْتَاعُ بِهَا، أَوْ لَمْ تُسَلِّمْ إِلَيْهِ، أَوْ لَمْ تُطِعْهُ فِيْمَا يَجِبُ لَهُ عَلَيْهَا، أَوْ سَافَرَتْ بِغَيْرِ إِذْنِهِ، أَوْ بِإِذْنِهِ فِيْ حَاجَتِهَا، فَلاَ نَفَقَةَ لَهَا عَلَيْهِ.
Subsection: She is entitled to his company – one night out of every four if she is a free woman; if she is a slave, she is entitled to one out of eight. 1305 This is in case he did not have an excuse. She is also entitled to having sex once every four months, unless he has an excuse.
فَصْلٌ: وَلَهَا عَلَيْهِ الْمَبِيْتُ عِنْدَهَا لَيْلَةً مِنْ كُلِّ أَرْبَعٍ إِنْ كَانَتْ حُرَّةً، وَمِنْ كُلِّ ثَمَانٍ إِنْ كَانَتْ أَمَةً، إَذاَ لَمْ يَكُنْ لَهُ عُذْر، وَإِصَابَتُهَا مَرَّةً فِيْ كُلِّ أَرْبَعَةِ أَشْهُرٍ، إِذَا لَمْ يَكُنْ لَهُ عُذْرٌ.
hadith. If this was a fatwa from the Messenger of Allah (SA), then it applies to all women; however, if it was a decree from him (acting in his capacity as a judge), then each woman would need a similar decree from a judge giving her permission to take from her husband’s money. Imam an-Nawawi deemed the first position stronger. It is obvious that this behavior should be taken only as a last resort, and people must consider the legal ramifications when such behavior is not tolerated by the local laws.
1304. (A2): If she travels with his permission, she is entitled to maintenance. This seems to be the appropriate default, but it may be left to their mutual agreement if he permits her to travel for her own interests on the condition that she not ask him for maintenance during her time away.
1305. (A/SM & Iqnâ‘): If she is a slave, she is entitled to one out of seven nights.
According to (A), the man must have intercourse with his wife at least once every four months. (t): he must satisfy her needs within his capacity.
[Eelâ’ (Oath of Abandonment)]
If he swears to abandon her for more than four months, and she waits until the end of the four months 1306 and then takes him to the judge, and then he denies either the oath or that four months have elapsed, or he claims that he had sex with her (and she was previously married) then his claim, along with his oath, shall be accepted. 1307 If he admits it, he should be ordered to recant his oath and have intercourse with her. If he recants his oath and has intercourse with her, then Allah is most forgiving and most merciful. 1308 If he does not, then he will be ordered to divorce her, and if he refuses to do so, the judge will divorce her from him. 1309 If he takes her back as a wife or
فَإِنْ آلىَ مِنْهَا أَكْثَرَ مِنْ أَرْبَعَةِ أَشْهُرٍ، فَتَرَبَّصَتْ أَرْبَعَةَ أَشْهُر، ثُمَّ رَافَعَتْهُ إِلىٰ اْلحَاكِمِ، فَأَنْكَرَ اْلإِيْلاَء، أَوْ مُضِيَّ اْلأَرْبَعَةِ أَشْهُرٍ، أَوِ ادَّعَى أَنَّهُ أَصَابَهَا وَكَانَتْ ثَيِّباً، فَالْقَوْلُ قَوْلُهُ مَعَ يَمِيْنِهِ. وَإِنْ أَقَرَّ بِذٰلِكَ، أُمِرَ بِاْلفَيْئَةِ، وَهِيَ اْلجِمَاعُ، فَإِنْ فَاءَ، فَإِنَّ اللهَ غَفُوْرٌ رَحِيْمٌ، وَإِنْ لَمْ يَفِئْ، أُمِرَ بِالطَّلاَقِ، فَإِنْ طَلَّقَ، وَإِلاَّ طَلَّقَ اْلحَاكِمُ عَلَيْهِ، ثُمَّ إِنْ رَاجَعَهَا، أَوْ تَرَكَهَا حَتَّى بَانَتْ، ثُمَّ تَزَوَّجَهَا، وَقَدْ بَقِيَ أَكْثَرُ مِنْ مُدَّةِ اْلإِيْلاَءَ،
1306. Eelâ’
Now Imam Ibn Qudâmah starts to address the rulings of eelâ’, which is when the husband takes an oath to not have intercourse with his wife for more than four months. The rulings are based on the saying of Allah:
{For those who swear not to have sexual relations with their wives is a waiting time of four months, but if they return [to normal relations] – then indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. And if they decide on divorce – then indeed, Allah is Hearing and Knowing.} (al-Baqarah 2: 226-227)
"لِّلَّذِينَ يُؤْلُونَ مِن نِّسَآئِهِمْ تَرَبُّصُ أَرْبَعَةِ أَشْهُرٍ فَإِنْ فَآؤُوا فَإِنَّ اللّهَ غَفُورٌ رَّحِيمٌ وَإِنْ عَزَمُواْ الطَّلاَقَ فَإِنَّ اللّهَ سَمِيعٌ عَلِيمٌ
1307. His statement carries more weight because the default is the continuation of the marriage, and his denial is supported by that default (status quo).
1308. Meaning the marriage will resume, and he will be forgiven. (A) + (+H, +M, +S): He will still have to expiate for the oath.
1309. This is the position of (A) + (+M, +S).
(-H): The divorce takes place spontaneously at the end of the four months, without the need for the ruler to issue it.
leaves her until the end of her waiting period so that she becomes foreign to him, and then he marries her again while there is still more time (remaining from his oath) than that of the maximum time of abandonment, he will be brought before the judge as I described (here above). 1310
وُقِفَ لَهَا كَمَا وَصَفْت.
If he is incapable of intercourse when demanded, 1311 he should say, “I will have intercourse with her once I can.” Then he may be given more time until he can.
وَمَنْ عَجَزَ عَنِ اْلفَيْئَةِ عِنْدَ طَلَبِهَا، فَلْيَقُلْ: مَتَى قَدَرْتُ جَامَعْتُهَا، وَيُؤَخَّرُ حَتَّى يَقْدِرُ عَلَيْهَا.
Both positions find support in the fatwas of the Companions. Imam Ibn Qudâmah supported the first position in al-Mughni by the apparent implication of the verse above that there is still a chance at the end of the four months to recant or insist on the abandonment.
1310. For example, he makes an oath to not touch her for a year; after four months, the judge orders him to divorce her. Three more months pass, and her divorce becomes finalized. If he marries her again, there are still five months remaining until the one year is complete. After four of those five months have passed, he will be brought before the judge and asked to either recant his oath and expiate or to divorce her again.
1311. Such as when he is sick or in a state of iḥrâm (the state of consecration for the pilgrimage).
Proper Treatment of Women
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